I Tried to Be Helpful!

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Humans are super annoying sometimes, Fam.

So, Grandma had a doctor’s appointment earlier this morning, and I was bored so I wanted her to take me with her. She sailed right in with her blah blah about health code violations, and dogs not being allowed there.

I sighed, like I always do when they say stupid things to me as if I were just some ordinary dog, and waddled into the room where I keep all of my clothes for dressing in hag. For those of you who don’t know, this is when a dog dresses in human clothes as a sort of disguise.

Anyway, it’s been less than hot enough to cook a cat lately here, so I decided to go with a Fall look. I chose a sassy little pink sweater, and a fuzzy purse with a dog on it, but I couldn’t find any skirts that still fit me after that last trip to the Chinese buffet. I figured that was good enough, and completed my ensemble with some cute little sunglasses I swiped from some random baby at the park and returned to Grandma all ready to roll.

The drive there was nice. Through the lowered window, I could smell curly fries probably at least three different times, and Grandma was easy on the brakes for once, so I didn’t slide around like a drunken seal. (She’s really lucky I don’t suffer from car sickness like Jax or her cupholders would runneth over.)

So, we get there, and I climb onto a chair and look through one of those human magazines that is really nothing but ads, recipes and more recipes. I love that magazine. I tore out a few pages and stuffed them into my purse to show Mom later. The wait was kind of dragging, so I stared at the other humans waiting around trying to guess their ailments. It’s a fun game to play in doctor’s office waiting rooms. You should totally try it. I think I spotted two cases of Ebola and one raging inferno of hemorrhoids if that man’s donut cushion was a clue.

Finally, the nurse lady came out and called Grandma’s name, so I hopped down and waddled down the hall with her and into the room where they do things to you. The nurse sat her down and did a few things with some kind of inflatable gadget, then she pulled out an instrument I am too familiar with. The thermometer.

It was then that I rummaged through my purse until I found the small tub of Vaseline I’d packed for just this event. Helpfully, I nudged it toward Grandma, and glanced pointedly to the thermometer. Her face turned red, and she began to smell of turnips as she always does when she gets upset. The nurse lady’s mouth opened briefly, then closed, and she quickly turned away while seeming to tremble. She might have been crying. No one likes the thermometer.

Grandma put my little gift into her own purse where I couldn’t get it again, and the ride home was all awkward silence. She didn’t even turn on the radio, but given her taste in music, this was not the punishment she probably imagined it would be. I was far more aware of her spite when she drove right past my favorite chicken nugget place without so much as a glance. That vengeful shrew.

I was only thinking of her, wishing to spare her the cold rod of doom in her butt, and this is how she thanks me?? I better make sure Mom is the one to take me to my next doctor appointment, because I don’t trust this woman not to tell them I swallowed socks!

No good deed goes unpunished, guys. Do them anyway, but just know humans have no gratitude sometimes.

I’m going to go terrorize Mom until she takes me out for nuggets, so see you next time the neighbor kid forgets her Barbie computer in the yard!

Stay faboolous,

 

Shiloh

 

 

This is an Outrage!

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With my touching story of how I got to this place done, it’s time to get to the ‘portant stuff. As I pound away on this pink, plastic toy computer the neighbor’s kid left on our lawn, the humans are outside dumping some sort of poo on the flowers, so now’s my chance, and I’m takin it like the last cookie.

Speaking of cookies, they hide them! They keep them in the cubby up high, and I am beginning to think it’s on purpose. They know I can’t reach up there. Report them. This cannot stand, and neither can I, or at least not high enough to grab the handles. I bribed my Chihuahua brother Jax to jump as high as he could, and even he could not reach. It’s an outrage, and I’m guessing it’s illegal to conceal cookies, so please send a message to the umm..ASP..er the AC..to the ones who make laws for furry citizens! Tell them this can’t go on. It is both cruel and usual!

Also, if any of you know “Lawyer Dog” from the internets, please have him call me because I’m pretty sure I have a strong case against the company that makes dog beds. I was minding my own little business the other day, and it just exploded. White, fluffy stuff everywhere! I’m probably lucky I didn’t lose my tail. As if that wasn’t traumatic enough, the Grandma human didn’t belieeef me! She scolded me for making a mess and told me I was a “Little booger”. I’m innocent! Innocent! How many more innocent dogs will be framed before the truth is told? There is clearly some major defect that is causing dog beds to spontaneously burst. I’ve seen it all over the Facebooks.

….Jax is interrupting me because he wants to post a message, too. Fine…

 

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Hellloooo Ladiiies! I’m Jax. Super-single and totally neutered. Hit me up on Snapchat if you want to cruise the dog park sometime. Muah!

 

…..*Sigh*. The vet should check again, cause that boy is out of control. Anyway, I forget what I was ranting about, but it probably had something to do with cookies. I love cookies. Mom says I’m addicted and Grandma called me “porky”, but I don’t care. I love cookies and they love me. My favorite are the pumpkin ones from a special company that delivers my food every month. I forget what it’s called, but I can ask Mom if you want.

Until next ramble, stay faboolous.

Shiloh

The Beginning

This is the post excerpt.

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It all began one snowy day in Octember, I think. I’m pretty sure it was, because the humans were hanging lights from trees and talking about Christmas. Anyway, there I was, warm and cozy with my furry mom and siblings, when the big farm lady came in and picked me up in her arms. I squirmed, but she was a big farm lady, so she won that round, and I was put into a car.

She smelled of corn nuts and jazzy jasmine deodorant. It was a long ride, especially with those horrible shrieking sounds coming from the radio. She howled along, and I buried my head in a blanket to drown out what I can only assume was some song about the mating calls of mongooses.

I wasn’t even that upset when she pulled into the vet’s parking lot, because even farm lady wouldn’t howl like that inside the office with people watching her. This part is kind of a blur, because they gave me some kind of kidnap drug, and I got very sleepy. When I woke up, there was a lot of noise, and I was in some kind of a box. Everything was moving, and I didn’t know where I was. I tried to look around but there wasn’t much light down there. I’m pretty sure I saw suitcases and at least one leopard gecko, though. I went back to sleep, and the next thing I knew, I was being pushed on a cart among all sorts of crates and things, and a lady-human was waiting for me in an office of sorts.

She was quick to open the door to my crate, and lifted me out to hold me up where she could see me better. She had black fur on her head and red stuff on her lips, and then she was crying and hugging me. That’s when I knew that this lady was the crazy. She held her phone near me a bunch of times, but I had no comment. I was sleepy from the weird trip I’d taken, and needed to pee. She carried me in one arm, the crate dangling from her other hand, then she put me on a nice, warm seat in the car. I peed on it, and crawled into her nice, dry lap to sleep some more.

After a time, we came to a house, and she took me in through the fence where she let me run  around to explore for a few minutes. My first move was to waddle over to a rosebush, and take a big bite from one of the blossoms. This seemed to amuse the human, and she laughed, before picking me up to take me into the house. I will never forget the first thing I saw in there. Oliver. He’s a Lhasa Apso, too and officially became my brother that day. I was so happy to see him that I tackled him and tried to make him chase me, but he only grumbled and stomped off somewhere. I followed him, because I am not that easy to ignore, and he was gonna love me whether he liked it or not.

Human calls me “Shiloh” and gave me the middle name “Rose”. I think of myself more as a Bella or possibly Diane, but whatever. I humor her and let her call herself my mom. I’ve been home with her now for several years, and I have a grandma and grandpa human, along with several dog siblings, but we’ll get to them laters.

This is the short story of how I got here. I have lots to say, and many stories to tell, so I hope you’ll visit me sometimes. With all this time around the humans and other dogs, and of course being in business for my own furry self, I have many observations, rants and general Shiloh-ness I must share with the world.

Welcome to my little corner of the interwebs!

_ Shiloh