I Tried to Be Helpful!


Humans are super annoying sometimes, Fam.

So, Grandma had a doctor’s appointment earlier this morning, and I was bored so I wanted her to take me with her. She sailed right in with her blah blah about health code violations, and dogs not being allowed there.

I sighed, like I always do when they say stupid things to me as if I were just some ordinary dog, and waddled into the room where I keep all of my clothes for dressing in hag. For those of you who don’t know, this is when a dog dresses in human clothes as a sort of disguise.

Anyway, it’s been less than hot enough to cook a cat lately here, so I decided to go with a Fall look. I chose a sassy little pink sweater, and a fuzzy purse with a dog on it, but I couldn’t find any skirts that still fit me after that last trip to the Chinese buffet. I figured that was good enough, and completed my ensemble with some cute little sunglasses I swiped from some random baby at the park and returned to Grandma all ready to roll.

The drive there was nice. Through the lowered window, I could smell curly fries probably at least three different times, and Grandma was easy on the brakes for once, so I didn’t slide around like a drunken seal. (She’s really lucky I don’t suffer from car sickness like Jax or her cupholders would runneth over.)

So, we get there, and I climb onto a chair and look through one of those human magazines that is really nothing but ads, recipes and more recipes. I love that magazine. I tore out a few pages and stuffed them into my purse to show Mom later. The wait was kind of dragging, so I stared at the other humans waiting around trying to guess their ailments. It’s a fun game to play in doctor’s office waiting rooms. You should totally try it. I think I spotted two cases of Ebola and one raging inferno of hemorrhoids if that man’s donut cushion was a clue.

Finally, the nurse lady came out and called Grandma’s name, so I hopped down and waddled down the hall with her and into the room where they do things to you. The nurse sat her down and did a few things with some kind of inflatable gadget, then she pulled out an instrument I am too familiar with. The thermometer.

It was then that I rummaged through my purse until I found the small tub of Vaseline I’d packed for just this event. Helpfully, I nudged it toward Grandma, and glanced pointedly to the thermometer. Her face turned red, and she began to smell of turnips as she always does when she gets upset. The nurse lady’s mouth opened briefly, then closed, and she quickly turned away while seeming to tremble. She might have been crying. No one likes the thermometer.

Grandma put my little gift into her own purse where I couldn’t get it again, and the ride home was all awkward silence. She didn’t even turn on the radio, but given her taste in music, this was not the punishment she probably imagined it would be. I was far more aware of her spite when she drove right past my favorite chicken nugget place without so much as a glance. That vengeful shrew.

I was only thinking of her, wishing to spare her the cold rod of doom in her butt, and this is how she thanks me?? I better make sure Mom is the one to take me to my next doctor appointment, because I don’t trust this woman not to tell them I swallowed socks!

No good deed goes unpunished, guys. Do them anyway, but just know humans have no gratitude sometimes.

I’m going to go terrorize Mom until she takes me out for nuggets, so see you next time the neighbor kid forgets her Barbie computer in the yard!

Stay faboolous,





Story Time: I Pooped in the Mall!



…Can we talk? I feel like we can talk. I’ve known you guys for weeks now, so I think it’s okay to tell you about the bad and unfortunate thing that happened to me. So, Mommy and Grandma took me with them to the mall because they needed to stop in just one shop and obviously, you never leave a dog alone in the car.

Seriously. Don’t leave dogs in cars. The weather might kill them and someone might steal them, so just don’t.

Anyway. Mommy carried me because that’s just easiest when you’re trying to rush in really quick and not draw too much attention to the fact that you’re smuggling a dog into a shopping mall. The escalator was fun. Wheee!. Next, I began to whine near some shop that I know for factsies sells cookies that don’t have chocolate in them. Granny Smith’s? Mrs Smiths? The yummy shop, I call it. So, Mommy being the well-trained human she is, sighed yet..paused to buy me some sugar cookies anyway. I’m only allowed a small bit, but she gave me some to buy herself more peace and I ate it.

Then this funny lady in the dress shop Mom stopped into, the..whole reason for being there in the first place, said the worst thing ever. She said “She’s sooo cute! Put her down and let her walk around.” Mommy hesitated, because Mommy is the smart. “Are you sure?” she asked her at least twice. The funny lady persisted…Mom hesitantly let me down onto the floor. The lady pet me, and I sniffed her politely and began strolling around to check out the latest fashion line. I like to keep current with these things as a former boutique owner my own furry self.

Some of it was cute, but I didn’t get to sniff around long, because I heard something. It was a sort of rumbling like an approaching storm, and I was alarmed. I was alarmed because a moment later, I felt something. It was like a hundred humans running for the same fire exit. It was going to happen, and I had no time! I ran toward Mommy, but she didn’t see me right away, and I couldn’t just…so I…had no choice but to..I ran under a clothing rack, and I POOPED!  No. It was more like a Tommy gun went off, because I was still circling to find the right spot when the bomb went off. I shot off the poo in a circular, projectile mess of humiliation.

I ran to Mommy, and as she bent down to pick me up. She knew. I know she knew, because she left poor Grandma just standing there holding a dress and started running. I bounced around dramatically with each hurried step Mommy took. She ran down that escalator so fast I had to close my eyes to keep my life from flashing before them. Next thing I know, we’re huddled behind a wall in the parking garage, and Mommy is frantically texting Grandma. I think it said “OMG Get out! Get out, they’ll see what she did!”.

To me, she said “Sssshh! We’ll go to jail forever!”.

In retrospect, she probably panicked a little bit, but..I pooped at the mall.

You shouldn’t poop at the mall.

Also, Mrs Field’s cookies are delicious.

If you want to see me talk (not about this!). You can find my YouTube Channel here: