Humans are super annoying sometimes, Fam.
So, Grandma had a doctor’s appointment earlier this morning, and I was bored so I wanted her to take me with her. She sailed right in with her blah blah about health code violations, and dogs not being allowed there.
I sighed, like I always do when they say stupid things to me as if I were just some ordinary dog, and waddled into the room where I keep all of my clothes for dressing in hag. For those of you who don’t know, this is when a dog dresses in human clothes as a sort of disguise.
Anyway, it’s been less than hot enough to cook a cat lately here, so I decided to go with a Fall look. I chose a sassy little pink sweater, and a fuzzy purse with a dog on it, but I couldn’t find any skirts that still fit me after that last trip to the Chinese buffet. I figured that was good enough, and completed my ensemble with some cute little sunglasses I swiped from some random baby at the park and returned to Grandma all ready to roll.
The drive there was nice. Through the lowered window, I could smell curly fries probably at least three different times, and Grandma was easy on the brakes for once, so I didn’t slide around like a drunken seal. (She’s really lucky I don’t suffer from car sickness like Jax or her cupholders would runneth over.)
So, we get there, and I climb onto a chair and look through one of those human magazines that is really nothing but ads, recipes and more recipes. I love that magazine. I tore out a few pages and stuffed them into my purse to show Mom later. The wait was kind of dragging, so I stared at the other humans waiting around trying to guess their ailments. It’s a fun game to play in doctor’s office waiting rooms. You should totally try it. I think I spotted two cases of Ebola and one raging inferno of hemorrhoids if that man’s donut cushion was a clue.
Finally, the nurse lady came out and called Grandma’s name, so I hopped down and waddled down the hall with her and into the room where they do things to you. The nurse sat her down and did a few things with some kind of inflatable gadget, then she pulled out an instrument I am too familiar with. The thermometer.
It was then that I rummaged through my purse until I found the small tub of Vaseline I’d packed for just this event. Helpfully, I nudged it toward Grandma, and glanced pointedly to the thermometer. Her face turned red, and she began to smell of turnips as she always does when she gets upset. The nurse lady’s mouth opened briefly, then closed, and she quickly turned away while seeming to tremble. She might have been crying. No one likes the thermometer.
Grandma put my little gift into her own purse where I couldn’t get it again, and the ride home was all awkward silence. She didn’t even turn on the radio, but given her taste in music, this was not the punishment she probably imagined it would be. I was far more aware of her spite when she drove right past my favorite chicken nugget place without so much as a glance. That vengeful shrew.
I was only thinking of her, wishing to spare her the cold rod of doom in her butt, and this is how she thanks me?? I better make sure Mom is the one to take me to my next doctor appointment, because I don’t trust this woman not to tell them I swallowed socks!
No good deed goes unpunished, guys. Do them anyway, but just know humans have no gratitude sometimes.
I’m going to go terrorize Mom until she takes me out for nuggets, so see you next time the neighbor kid forgets her Barbie computer in the yard!