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The Beginning

This is the post excerpt.

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It all began one snowy day in Octember, I think. I’m pretty sure it was, because the humans were hanging lights from trees and talking about Christmas. Anyway, there I was, warm and cozy with my furry mom and siblings, when the big farm lady came in and picked me up in her arms. I squirmed, but she was a big farm lady, so she won that round, and I was put into a car.

She smelled of corn nuts and jazzy jasmine deodorant. It was a long ride, especially with those horrible shrieking sounds coming from the radio. She howled along, and I buried my head in a blanket to drown out what I can only assume was some song about the mating calls of mongooses.

I wasn’t even that upset when she pulled into the vet’s parking lot, because even farm lady wouldn’t howl like that inside the office with people watching her. This part is kind of a blur, because they gave me some kind of kidnap drug, and I got very sleepy. When I woke up, there was a lot of noise, and I was in some kind of a box. Everything was moving, and I didn’t know where I was. I tried to look around but there wasn’t much light down there. I’m pretty sure I saw suitcases and at least one leopard gecko, though. I went back to sleep, and the next thing I knew, I was being pushed on a cart among all sorts of crates and things, and a lady-human was waiting for me in an office of sorts.

She was quick to open the door to my crate, and lifted me out to hold me up where she could see me better. She had black fur on her head and red stuff on her lips, and then she was crying and hugging me. That’s when I knew that this lady was the crazy. She held her phone near me a bunch of times, but I had no comment. I was sleepy from the weird trip I’d taken, and needed to pee. She carried me in one arm, the crate dangling from her other hand, then she put me on a nice, warm seat in the car. I peed on it, and crawled into her nice, dry lap to sleep some more.

After a time, we came to a house, and she took me in through the fence where she let me run  around to explore for a few minutes. My first move was to waddle over to a rosebush, and take a big bite from one of the blossoms. This seemed to amuse the human, and she laughed, before picking me up to take me into the house. I will never forget the first thing I saw in there. Oliver. He’s a Lhasa Apso, too and officially became my brother that day. I was so happy to see him that I tackled him and tried to make him chase me, but he only grumbled and stomped off somewhere. I followed him, because I am not that easy to ignore, and he was gonna love me whether he liked it or not.

Human calls me “Shiloh” and gave me the middle name “Rose”. I think of myself more as a Bella or possibly Diane, but whatever. I humor her and let her call herself my mom. I’ve been home with her now for several years, and I have a grandma and grandpa human, along with several dog siblings, but we’ll get to them laters.

This is the short story of how I got here. I have lots to say, and many stories to tell, so I hope you’ll visit me sometimes. With all this time around the humans and other dogs, and of course being in business for my own furry self, I have many observations, rants and general Shiloh-ness I must share with the world.

Welcome to my little corner of the interwebs!

_ Shiloh

I Tried to Be Helpful!

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Humans are super annoying sometimes, Fam.

So, Grandma had a doctor’s appointment earlier this morning, and I was bored so I wanted her to take me with her. She sailed right in with her blah blah about health code violations, and dogs not being allowed there.

I sighed, like I always do when they say stupid things to me as if I were just some ordinary dog, and waddled into the room where I keep all of my clothes for dressing in hag. For those of you who don’t know, this is when a dog dresses in human clothes as a sort of disguise.

Anyway, it’s been less than hot enough to cook a cat lately here, so I decided to go with a Fall look. I chose a sassy little pink sweater, and a fuzzy purse with a dog on it, but I couldn’t find any skirts that still fit me after that last trip to the Chinese buffet. I figured that was good enough, and completed my ensemble with some cute little sunglasses I swiped from some random baby at the park and returned to Grandma all ready to roll.

The drive there was nice. Through the lowered window, I could smell curly fries probably at least three different times, and Grandma was easy on the brakes for once, so I didn’t slide around like a drunken seal. (She’s really lucky I don’t suffer from car sickness like Jax or her cupholders would runneth over.)

So, we get there, and I climb onto a chair and look through one of those human magazines that is really nothing but ads, recipes and more recipes. I love that magazine. I tore out a few pages and stuffed them into my purse to show Mom later. The wait was kind of dragging, so I stared at the other humans waiting around trying to guess their ailments. It’s a fun game to play in doctor’s office waiting rooms. You should totally try it. I think I spotted two cases of Ebola and one raging inferno of hemorrhoids if that man’s donut cushion was a clue.

Finally, the nurse lady came out and called Grandma’s name, so I hopped down and waddled down the hall with her and into the room where they do things to you. The nurse sat her down and did a few things with some kind of inflatable gadget, then she pulled out an instrument I am too familiar with. The thermometer.

It was then that I rummaged through my purse until I found the small tub of Vaseline I’d packed for just this event. Helpfully, I nudged it toward Grandma, and glanced pointedly to the thermometer. Her face turned red, and she began to smell of turnips as she always does when she gets upset. The nurse lady’s mouth opened briefly, then closed, and she quickly turned away while seeming to tremble. She might have been crying. No one likes the thermometer.

Grandma put my little gift into her own purse where I couldn’t get it again, and the ride home was all awkward silence. She didn’t even turn on the radio, but given her taste in music, this was not the punishment she probably imagined it would be. I was far more aware of her spite when she drove right past my favorite chicken nugget place without so much as a glance. That vengeful shrew.

I was only thinking of her, wishing to spare her the cold rod of doom in her butt, and this is how she thanks me?? I better make sure Mom is the one to take me to my next doctor appointment, because I don’t trust this woman not to tell them I swallowed socks!

No good deed goes unpunished, guys. Do them anyway, but just know humans have no gratitude sometimes.

I’m going to go terrorize Mom until she takes me out for nuggets, so see you next time the neighbor kid forgets her Barbie computer in the yard!

Stay faboolous,

 

Shiloh

 

 

Brush Fires/Cookie Crisis

It’s Shiloh again. Sorry that I went a moment without writing in my blog, but I couldn’t find the pink Barbie typowriter that I use.  I know I spelled that wrong. Barbie machines don’t have that feature Mom’s phone has that corrects your spellin.

Anyway, we live not far from a city called Glendale, and we’re out in the hills so when the hills catch fire, it’s pretty scarifying. I was nervous for days because I smelled smoke and felt it sting my little eyes. Mommy and Grandma were acting normally, but a dog knows when the humans are hiding something. We have super spidey senses, but for dogs..not spiders.

When Mom was sleeping, I jumped on her phone and stalked her on Facebook like I do, and saw some videos and photos she’d taken of the fire, so that confirmed my suspicion. A fire was coming for my cookies! Perhaps, but no..I can’t even think of it..my squeaky toys! Possibly my brothers and sisters as well, but…but..my squeakies, though!

Safety first, so I took them all and hid them under a blanket where no fire could ever find them, then I slept on top of them for days. I mean, I got up to eat and to poop but I guarded them whenever convenient. The hills near our house kept burning and going out only to burn some more, then go out again. The humans in yellow pants have a building right behind our house so I could watch them coming and going. They came and went a lot, but now I don’t smell so much smoke anymore and the air isn’t stinging my eyes. Whatever they did out there, it seemed to work.

We still need some rain though. If you know anyone with some extra rain, can you ask them to send it over here to us? Also, the fire took my cookies. I know it did. As is my usual morning, afternoon and evening routine, I went to the cubby and barked. A lot. This is when a human will always open it for me and hand over the cookies just to shush me up. Now, the humans say something I’ve never understood before. “It’s all gone, Shiloh. There’s no more.” What?? I understand everything in humanese except for “no” and “all gone”. What does that even mean? Let me know if you know.

My theory is that the fire snuck into the room where the cookies are kept, slithered into the cubby, stole them, and ran away. I have no proof, so it’s alleged. Allegedly..the fire is a thief of the worst sort.

To make up for my lack of cookies, I’ve been stalking Mom like a total stalker whenever she’s in the kitchen doing things with food. I did it so much, she caught it on camera because she thinks I’m cute. I’m not though, I’m upset! The cookie withdrawals are real and she needs to fix it soon or I will lose my fuzzy little mind!

I hope everyone near the fire is safe and full of cookies, but I’m not out of those woods yet. My organic pumpkin cookies are life. Without them, I am but a husk. An empty shell..oh. I think Mom bought more.

Gotta go, Guys!

Love,

Shiloh

Cookie Negotiations

 

From my Fuzzy View

So, I’m just a little dog who makes funny videos and occasionally tells stories about things. I’m not even allowed to (legally) vote, so I don’t get all political. I just think humans are doing it all wrong, and should be more like dogs. I’ve made a handy list of the reasons why dogs are better than humans in some ways. Okay, all ways..we’re cuter than you, too but that’s another post.

  1. We don’t physically attack other dogs for having different opinions than we do.
  2. We judge people based only on their actions. If you’re kind to us, we love you. Simple.
  3. We forgive even those who hurt us badly, or consistently. Such is our heart.
  4. We don’t hate other dogs based on their breed. We sniff everyone and give them a chance.
  5. The sassiest dog still shows gratitude, loyalty and love to those who are kind to us.
  6. We never abandon anyone.
  7. We don’t care what you look like, how old you are, how you dress or what you weigh. Your kindness is all we value.
  8. We never tell a lie. Feign innocence, yes, but actually lie? Never.
  9. We don’t feel hate. We just can’t. Our heart was not built for that.
  10. We don’t care what human you choose to love, so long as you show us love.

I’m just a Lhasa Apso, not a philosopher. I don’t have all the answers, but..just saying. You people are doing life all wrong.

My advice no one asked for is to take a moment. Review what you’re thinking, how you’re feeling, and if a lot of is negative, is it worth the energy and stress?

In either case, I can only recommend a huge dose of love from your nearest dog or human loved one. Go hug someone today, and pause to feel gratitude that they are there with you.

I heard someone on TV or somewhere say “Life is too short, and death is far too long.”

Take it from someone with a much shorter life than your own. It’s true.

 

I will hop off my soapbox now and go eat cookies, but I’ll be thinking about you, Humans. I will be hoping you stop tearing into each other like I tear into a new squeaky toy and start showing yourselves and each other a lot more love.

 

Stay fabulous!

 

xooxox

Story Time: I Pooped in the Mall!

 

Peekashiloh

…Can we talk? I feel like we can talk. I’ve known you guys for weeks now, so I think it’s okay to tell you about the bad and unfortunate thing that happened to me. So, Mommy and Grandma took me with them to the mall because they needed to stop in just one shop and obviously, you never leave a dog alone in the car.

Seriously. Don’t leave dogs in cars. The weather might kill them and someone might steal them, so just don’t.

Anyway. Mommy carried me because that’s just easiest when you’re trying to rush in really quick and not draw too much attention to the fact that you’re smuggling a dog into a shopping mall. The escalator was fun. Wheee!. Next, I began to whine near some shop that I know for factsies sells cookies that don’t have chocolate in them. Granny Smith’s? Mrs Smiths? The yummy shop, I call it. So, Mommy being the well-trained human she is, sighed yet..paused to buy me some sugar cookies anyway. I’m only allowed a small bit, but she gave me some to buy herself more peace and I ate it.

Then this funny lady in the dress shop Mom stopped into, the..whole reason for being there in the first place, said the worst thing ever. She said “She’s sooo cute! Put her down and let her walk around.” Mommy hesitated, because Mommy is the smart. “Are you sure?” she asked her at least twice. The funny lady persisted…Mom hesitantly let me down onto the floor. The lady pet me, and I sniffed her politely and began strolling around to check out the latest fashion line. I like to keep current with these things as a former boutique owner my own furry self.

Some of it was cute, but I didn’t get to sniff around long, because I heard something. It was a sort of rumbling like an approaching storm, and I was alarmed. I was alarmed because a moment later, I felt something. It was like a hundred humans running for the same fire exit. It was going to happen, and I had no time! I ran toward Mommy, but she didn’t see me right away, and I couldn’t just…so I…had no choice but to..I ran under a clothing rack, and I POOPED!  No. It was more like a Tommy gun went off, because I was still circling to find the right spot when the bomb went off. I shot off the poo in a circular, projectile mess of humiliation.

I ran to Mommy, and as she bent down to pick me up. She knew. I know she knew, because she left poor Grandma just standing there holding a dress and started running. I bounced around dramatically with each hurried step Mommy took. She ran down that escalator so fast I had to close my eyes to keep my life from flashing before them. Next thing I know, we’re huddled behind a wall in the parking garage, and Mommy is frantically texting Grandma. I think it said “OMG Get out! Get out, they’ll see what she did!”.

To me, she said “Sssshh! We’ll go to jail forever!”.

In retrospect, she probably panicked a little bit, but..I pooped at the mall.

You shouldn’t poop at the mall.

Also, Mrs Field’s cookies are delicious.

If you want to see me talk (not about this!). You can find my YouTube Channel here:

https://www.youtube.com/channel/UC-2AA6ht-Z-Uw1fAJZ8hntQ